06 February 2009

03 February 2009

I don't know how to feel.

Lewis, I love you, that will never change and I know what's happened to you is absolutely horrible. I just don't know how to understand all of us, I don't understand how I went from the most important thing in your life to another obligation that you don't need. I know you have a lot on your plate, but I didn't ever think I'd end up as an obligation for you. If that's how you feel I am for you now, please just tell me and I'll leave you be about the relationship. It will hurt, but I don't want to be the obligation you'll regret later in life. I'll do whatever you want me to do, you know what I want already and I refuse to bug you about it, I don't want to make a decision that you'll end up regretting and I'd rather not have you than have you while you regret making that decision. I love you with all my heart, this is all in your hands, I want nothing more to be there for you, even if it's only when I can be. I don't want to be pushed out of your life, but it is your life and if it will be easier without me, then I guess that's how it will be. I can only hope that if you don't want me in your life anymore, you will at least remember and keep close to you that you once had a woman who would have given up the world for you and would have spent the rest of her life with you. I love you.

I don't know what to say.

I feel lost, numb... just shocked.

I still love you so much... I just... this is so painful.

I hope we can still be together, there's nothing more in this world that I want.. just please.. come back to me.

02 February 2009

Miss you more...

I know it's only been a day and a half since we last talked, but I'm missing you horribly. I hope you're around tonight, I love you, you're my everything. My world just doesn't seem right without you.

I miss you baby.

I've been thinking about you all day, wishing you were here... I love you. I hope I get to see you tomorrow, my day just isn't the same without you. I guess I'll go to bed early tonight in hopes of seeing you... you're my absolutely everything love, the reason I live and breath. Please take care, I'd be lost without you.

30 January 2009

Wedding stuff.

So babe, I've been thinking of wedding things since I'm so excited about it all. Hmm... snowflakes... red accents, white... I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, what I have pictured in my mind is lovely though. Hmm, let me try.

You walk in, the ceiling is draped with soft white fabric that billows to the edge of the walls, then falls in loose sheets to the floor. Layered over that are sheets of iridescent gossamer fabric fabric that catches the light and spreads it over the fabric, sparkling with a faint rainbow shimmer. From this lovely backdrop, snowflakes made from tiny clear beads hang from the ceiling, in all different sizes and designs. The white chairs are all lined up, covered in the same gossamer fabric as the ceiling and walls. Around the back of the chair, a bright red ribbon has been tied, matching the red runner that runs down the middle of the chairs. The altar itself is an archway of red roses, the trellis is weaved with more white and gossamer fabric and red ribbon.

The invitations I thought could be a background of bright red paper, ice blue and then a beaded snowflake. I saw a great idea of how to make something similar yourself and I think I could do it, I actually want to go out now and buy some beads to practice the snowflakes.

Hmm, I want to try my hand at making the cake, I'm thinking white chocolate and strawberry? It sounds pretty good for me.

Anyway, babe, I have a stomach bug and I was up anyway so I figured I'd plan a bit. Love you so much baby, you're my everything.

29 January 2009


I'm still so amazed, I can't even tell my mum because every time it hits me that we really are engaged, I choke up in tears. I love you so so much, I'm still reeling that you want to marry me, want to spend the rest of your life with me. I knew you loved and that I meant the world to you, it's just that the confirmation is everything I've always wanted and it's so amazing to finally have it.

From the first time I met you, I knew you were the one for me. It was something different, it was a craving for you, not a desire, not a thought of "hey, maybe this could work and be fun," it was a moment of knowing that I need you in my life. You are the most amazing and beautiful person I have ever met. I know you'll probably argue me on that and yes, I'm sure you have faults, we all do, but to me, every little thing you think as a fault is beautiful to me because it makes you who you are, and I absolutely adore who you are.

I can't wait for the future babe, for all the happiness and love. We'll have our bumps in the road like everyone does, but I know that we can make it, we have the deep love to overcome them all. I love you, Lewis, with everything I am and everything I'll ever be. You are the absolute one for me, you are my sun, clouds, sky, the wind... everything around me, everything that makes up what I am. I adore you.